This is sooooooooooo cool!!!

Wow - the time in between my posts seem to be getting longer and longer, but that's okay. Overall, I'm in a good place and don't need to blog through my grief as often as I used to. I've decided that now I want to maintain this site for the sole purpose of sharing it with my kids someday (if they so desire).

Anyway, I have to let out a great big "Aaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh".......... because I feel like I can finally release a huge sigh of relief as Josh and I just returned from a long overdue, much needed, adults only vacation to Mexico. I know times are tough, but I highly recommend that everyone take some "me time" like that, at least once a year! It was a good way to unwind after the hectic pace that the holidays and having both kids' birthdays in January brings to this household.

On to much more exciting news! I have to share this fantastic story of how Emma's life has inspired two amazing, caring people to take action in their own community. This was written to my mother-in-law by one of her childhood school mates:

"I thought the photo of Emma Kate was so beautiful and later when you sent me the link to Julie's web page, she mentioned how much they appreciated the pictures and what they meant to them. I looked at the website for NILMDTS and there was no photographer in this area - the closest was Cheyenne, which is 90 minutes away. Because of Julie's comments, I resolved to find someone here to "pay it forward". It's taken a long time, but I finally met someone I thought would be perfect. He is a grandfather, so wonderfully kind, gentle, compassionate, and generous. He had a full time job and has done photography on the side for years. A year or so ago he changed jobs, to one less demanding, and started working more on the photography. About six months ago I visited with him about NILMDTS and he said to send him the info. I emailed the website to him, asking only that he thoughtfully & prayerfully consider whether it was something he wanted to do. He decided to go forward with it after looking at the website and reading some of the parents comments.

Yesterday he emailed me to say he has completed the training and is in the process of contacting the hospitals in Wheatland, Torrington and Douglas, Wyoming. I asked if he needed a donation or any thing else I could do to help. Today he said he would like to have some knitted caps to be used in photos, that he can give to the parents ... did I know anyone who knits. Guess what?? I knit!!! I'm so happy & I already dug out the needles and yarn and will start making them right away. I hope they will never be used and I hope he is never called, but I'm thrilled to do it just in case.

I wanted you to know, because of your loss and Julie's remarks about the photos, there is now someone in this area who can be called if needed. I would not have known about the organization otherwise and because I care so deeply about what's happened to you, I resolved to find a way to make that happen. Thank you for sharing Emma's picture and the information about NILMDTS with me."

To Gloria and this fantastic photographer, Jerry:
Words can not express my gratitude. God bless you both!

Names In The Sand

These names were written in the sand in Australia by a couple who lost their son, Christian. I requested "Polka Dot" and borrowed the "Emma" picture from another family who is also missing their sweet Emma. Pretty beautiful. Check it out: http://www.namesinthesand.blogspot.com/

Another Year Gone

Finally, here are some pictures that we took on year number two. As you can see, things have changed a little bit from last year with little sister Carli now in the picture. We still feel that it's important for both kids to be involved in remembering Emma.

We ended the weekend on a lighter note, going to the mountains and letting Jackson pick one activity that he really wanted to do. You don't see them here, but how lucky for me that we got sent out on our bumper boat ride with three 12 year old boys!!! It caused quite the scene when all three of them attacked me with their water guns the entire time we were out there.

Year Number Two Without You

Dear Sweet Emma,

We think of you often and miss you more and more each day! Happy Second Birthday, sweet baby girl. We love you soooooooo much!

Love,

Mommy, Daddy, Jackson and Carli

(*Having some computer problems, but hope to update with pictures soon. Thanks for remembering Emma and stopping by*)

When September Ends

Well, it's definitely been a long time and here we are once again in September, what used to be one of my favorite months. You'll notice I had to add a song to my playlist which, by the way, you can pause or turn down your volume if you're not in the mood for music. For some reason, I just can't seem to get that song out of my head this time of year when there's a new chill in the air and the leaves begin to turn. So far, it's not nearly as bad as last year. Many things, including friends, can now be categorized into before, during and after, and I have been so 'lucky' as to have inherited a dear friend, Shawna, who also lost her full term baby boy, Tyson, shortly after his birth. She knew my husband from high school and after reading Emma's obituary, she so bravely decided to call me one day and the rest has been the making of a great friendship. Along with blogging, Shawna has played a HUGE part in my healing. I guess I lied a little when I said I'd try to 'keep it real' because if this blog was to reflect absolutely every emotion I've had, it definitely wouldn't be rated PG. There have been many phone calls or emails between Shawna and I where we felt we could truly be honest and just let it all out because the other person knows exactly what we're feeling. It also really helps that we share the same sarcastic sense of humor, which believe it or not, you actually have times where you can find smiles again in dead baby land. Anyway, we both have since had other children so between them keeping us busy and the natural healing that occurs over time, thankfully, our emails entitled, "Warning: Big Spew Ahead", have been fewer and farther between. However, with our second anniversaries upon us (woo hoo), we have both been emailing a little more lately and I just wanted to say "thanks" to Shawna and all the other mommies who have lost babies for their continued support. I really don't know how people survived losses like these back in the days before emailing, blogging, phone calls and especially when it was not okay to talk about death like it is today.

I know every September there will be a little twinge of pain that comes along with witnessing the beauty of Fall, but it is slowly becoming a bittersweet feeling. I know this is only year number two of the rest of our lives and who knows, hopefully, I might even be around someday wondering what my baby girl would have been like on her 52nd birthday!

A Time For Change

The pictures above are of the first thing you used to see when walking through our front door. Our little shrine if you will. I took these pictures right before we got new carpet installed, knowing I probably wouldn't be putting this display back together in the same way. There was a brief time where I felt that a perfect stranger coming into our home wouldn't know, at first glance, that the baby on the wall was someone else and that was starting to bother me. In all fairness to my living children, I've purchased new frames to display their pictures along with a smaller version of Emma's (I will always keep a picture of her out as I'm not going to completely pretend she didn't exist). We've known other people who have had children die and I totally get it now. Everyone grieves differently, but I am apparently falling on the 'out of sight, out of mind' side of the spectrum. The memories are just too painful sometimes and it's easier to pack those painful reminders away in a special box and pretend it never happened. We've only been to the cemetery ONCE since her first birthday and even then, I stayed in the car with the baby. Am I a total jerk or what!?!

Thank Heaven for Little Girls

I can't believe I'm posting these pictures like this, as I don't want Carli to ever think she is here merely as a replacement. I guess I'm just amazed at how quick people are to tell me how much she looks like Jackson, which she does at times, but am I the only one who sees it??? Now that she's filling out more, you can definitely tell these two little girls are sisters.

When we first found out we were expecting again, I immediately began convincing myself that it was a boy, even though I was secretly hoping for a girl. Not that there's anything wrong with little boys (we've already been blessed with a great one). I just think that there always would have been a little twinge of pain inside wondering what life with a little girl would have been like. I guess God knew how healing another little girl would be for us. I catch myself at times drifting so far into new baby bliss that it sometimes feels like nothing ever went wrong. Then, of course, reality quickly sinks in and it hits like a ton of bricks that there will always be someone so special missing from our lives. Thank God for NILMDTS for providing us with such precious memories, as my own seems to be failing me lately.

Anyway, I don't know where I'm going with this post, but I guess I just mainly wanted to update in case anyone still stops by. I do plan on sharing the full story of Carli's pregnancy and birth soon as it has a lot to do with the whole reason I began blogging in the first place. I'm not sure why it has taken me so long and been so difficult for me to just spill it already, but I do feel like I'm getting closer to being ready to share. Thanks for hangin' in there with us!